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Evil Ducks aka Eddie Izzard has a lot to answer for!

Posted by on December 19, 2007 Leave a Comment

In my last post I mentioned Evil Ducks while talking to some -Squadders who knocked at my door (see previous entry) and said that any fan would understand what I was talkimg about. Well, for those of you who have never seen Edde do stand-up, below is the transcript of the specific part of his Glorious show where he brings up the whole flood theory.

Enjoy!

So God said, “I will send a Flood, , and lots of umbrellas, but I will save two of everything, because it looks good on the seesaw floater. Two hippos” (mimics motion) “Noah, stop what you’re doing and build me an Ark.” And Noah, who’s playing the role of Noah

“I’m working on a speedboat at the moment. It’s much more exciting, a bigger engine in a speedboat, and you can shoot across the water like that…..”

“No, Noah, I want an Ark; an Ark with a big room for poo.”

“Look, a speedboat would really kick ass, it will give great photos to the people in The Bible. We can get all the animals with long ears to sit along the side….. it’d be fucking excellent! Excellent photographs!”

“No, you build me an Ark. You can put a big engine in the Ark, if you want.”

“Okay… I should compromise.”

So he started to saw up pieces of wood to make the Ark. (makes sawing noises) That’s not how you start sawing, is it? You start sawing by going (fast sawing noises). It’s impossible to start, isn’t it? Then you get into that middle bit (more sawing noises), which feels good – when you feel like your Dad… when your Dad used to say, “I’m just going out to the garage to saw a plank of wood in half.” (sawing noises and thud) …..”There we go! Oh, Dr. Benoski on Sunday ! ‘˜The ’”…. (snores) Sundays with my Dad, that was!

No, you want a speed-saw, don’t you?, much more….. (speed-sawing sound) Those power saws, much better! But sawing has a difficult start-off, then it goes into a bit of that, and in the end it goes back to (fast sawing noises). And after a while, Noah realized he was actually punching a baboon! (more noises)

“Stop hitting me! (noises continue) Leave me alone, I’m trying to sleep!”

“I’m not punching you, this is my mime! I’m sawing an Ark, I’m making an Ark. Get out of my mime! I don’t want you in my mime.”

“What have you got against baboons in mime?”

“Nothing, you can do your own mime, but not in my mime. . . not on my mime. It’s my motto, No Baboons in Mime.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?”

“I did before, but I don’t now!”

So he built an Ark, and that was great; and he went around collecting two of every animal from all around the world, including two baboons, one of them punch-drunk. (staggers) “He was hitting me earlier, I don’t know what’s going on.”

He was going, “Okay, who have we got here? Two dogs. . . okay, two dogs, long ears, along the side, please. I’ll explain it to you later. Two sheep. . . on you get, sit along the side, there we go. Two cats – small ears, inside the boat. Two ducks. . . The ducks are going,

“We’re not coming.”

“Well, there’s gonna be an enormous fuckoff flood.”

“So? What’s the big problem?”

There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.” All that in a James Mason voice, (as Mason) “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones” (mumbling) “a loophole. Sorry, I wasn’t here, I was off-stage, in my trailer. Someone else did my lines.”

So. . . yes. It is, anything that can float. . .you’ve got bad ducks, bad geese, bad swans. . . (miming evil demeanor) Bad ducks going, “quack, quack, quack” (mimes gargling and spitting) They’re the spitting ducks. You bad fish! (mimes fish) Bad pilot fish, with those little lights on the top . . .evil pilot fish, really, really bad! Those that go down in twos, and swim up to other fish, you know, with the little lights on the top, and the other fish are going, “No, there’s a car coming towards me! Aaah! Hey! Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish! I know your Dad.” (walking very erect) That’s how a fish walks if he’s English. . . .You don’t know what just happened there.. . Yes!

So it’s a big hole in the whole thing. I mean, with the humans, we understand the idea of good and bad; evil and very, very good. . . saintly, I suppose, but with animals? What, in fact, is an “evil giraffe”? How do they. . .”I will eat all the leaves on this tree. (mimes eating leaves) I will eat more leaves than I should. . . and then other giraffes may die. (evil chuckle) I am an evil herbivore. . . (mimes the giraffe walk) It’s very difficult to be evil. “I will hide berries where no one can see them.” (evil chuckle)

So yes, there you have it.. Evil Ducks, pilot fish and herbivores!…. go watch Eddie Izzard.. it’s much funnier than reading what he’s saying ;)

Filed Under: Comedy, Randomness, Religion | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , ,

Door-to-Door “God Squadders”

Posted by on December 18, 2007 Leave a Comment

Before I start, let me make clear that I have no real problem with or – each to their own, I say. I do have issues with The Bible and various aspects of the religion but I believe that every person has the right to believe what they wish and if is what floats your boat, then so be it.

About 11am this morning, there was a knock at my door (yes the door with the big purple in the centre of it!). When I opened it, there were two women standing there – one I would say was in her mid-50s, the other younger in her 20s or early 30s. The older woman opened with “May I ask you a question?” I shrugged and said sure, whatever.

“Do you feel that has been taken out of Christmas?” says she.

After gazing at her for a long second or two waiting for the punchline, I shrugged again and informed her, most politely, that she was really asking the wrong question – me not being Christian and all that. She asked what faith I was and I told her I was . I was quite impressed (and serioiusly amused) with how quickly she managed to hide the look of horror. As she seems quite insistent on wanting to talk, I figured I had a few spare minutes and I’m always willing to discuss religion with people. I told her I didn’t believe in the Christian version of – being solely male and obviously schizophrenic! I don’t think she appreciated the schizo comment, so I cleared up what I meant, pointing out the two obvious personalities of in the , and throwing in the whole problem with the Flood theory… she didn’t seem to understand the evil ducks and evil pilot fish and I think I may have lost her totally with the evil herbivores! (If you’re an fan, you’ll understand that).

I mentioned a number of problems with the various transcripts of the Bible, not to mention the fact that it’s written by man not God – to which she argued that it’s the set down by man… which I responded to with you’ve only got the authors’ word for that. I briefly touched upon the fact that a number of “Gospels” were left out of the Bible due to their contradictory nature and not fitting in with what the Pope wanted it to say back whatever century it was (I don’t remember offhand) and brought up the King James version with his infamous line “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” which is a misinterpretation and means something else entirely.

I also asked her if she truly believed that Jesus was crucified and rose from the grave on random days in March and April to which she looked blank so I reminded her that Eostre (Easter) doesn’t fall on the same date each year, unlike Christmas, and asked her why it was’t a static date like Christmas.. she couldn’t give me an answer to that (no surprises there!)

She then changed her method somewhat and asked what I thought of the world now. I told her it was bloody awful and getting worse every day. You could almost taste the glee in her expression. Then you’ll agree, says she, that we must eradicate all wickedness from the world!! Oh the fervour in her voice!!! Wickedness is a matter of perception, I told her. What seems wicked to one could be the right thing to do to another.

But you must agree, she spluttered, that killing someone is wicked.

Nope, says I. Again, its a matter of perception and of circumstance. If someone came into my house and threatened my kids, I’d kill them without any hesitation. Would I be evil for doing that?

Oddly enough, it was then she decided she had to continue to another house in her quest. She asked if I’d like some literature to read. I told her that the only Watchtower I wanted in my house was the Jimi Hendrix song…….

Filed Under: Religion | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

1943 Guide to Hiring Women

Posted by on October 2, 2007 Leave a Comment

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of during .

“Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees: There’s no longer any question whether should hire women for jobs formerly held by men.

The draft and has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use , try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.”

Oh…. My…..Goddess!!! What can be said shakes head

Filed Under: Randomness | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , , ,

Monkeys – the most dangerous animal on the planet?

Posted by on September 5, 2007 Leave a Comment

Dance Monkey Dance

I’m not going to explain what the video is – it’s only a few minutes long. Watch it, listen to it and think about it.

Thought provoking, no?

Filed Under: Randomness, T'interwebs | Tagged: Tagged With: ,

You Know You’re Living in 2007 when . . .

Posted by on August 3, 2007 Leave a Comment

1. You accidentally enter your password on the .

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7 Every commercial on has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your .

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a number 9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

Filed Under: Randomness, T'interwebs | Tagged: Tagged With: , , ,

Cat Predicts Death In Nursing Home

Posted by on July 27, 2007 Leave a Comment

Oscar the cat appears to be making waves in a nursing home in the US. It seems that he is aware that when residents are in their final hours of life and curls up next to them.

According to the author of an article in the the cat has been correct in 25 cases so far, but there is no indication out of how many total. But staff at the home now alert families when Oscar settles down next to a resident.

The staff state that Oscar is not an overly friendly cat but appears to “make rounds” like the doctors. But although most families are grateful for Oscar’s “notification of impending doom”, some ask that the cat be removed while they say their final goodbyes to their loved ones. When he’s placed outside the room, Oscar is said to pace up and down meowing.

David Dosa, a professor of who carried out the research on Oscar, said “He doesn’t make many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die.”

, a feline expert from the , told the BBC: “Cats often can sense when their owners are sick or when another animal is sick.

“They can sense when the weather will change, they’re famous for being sensitive to of earthquakes.”

A doctor who treats patients at the home said she believed there was probably a biochemical explanation, rather than the cat being psychic.

Maybe it’s just me, but how would you feel if you were a resident at this nursing home with a cat predicting death every so often? Personally I’d want it gone! What do you think?

Filed Under: In The News, Randomness | Tagged: Tagged With: , , , , ,

Jordan Names Her Baby

Posted by on July 24, 2007 Leave a Comment

On the BBC News website it has been announced that Jordan and Petre Andre have finally given their baby girl a name. The baby was born on 29th June and, being pregnant myself (not for the first time) you’d have thought that as she already had two, she’d have been prepared well in advance with a name this time around. But no, it’s taken this long for her to come up with an appropriate name.

has stated that they chose the baby’s name because the little girl was their own “princess”…. brilliant, everyone loves their daughters… I call Shannon my little princess…she calls herself a princess too.

What’s the problem, I can hear you asking. The problem, for me anyway, is that have actually named their daughter Princess… Princess Tiaamii to be exact.

Peter stated:-

Katie always loved the name Princess, but everyone thought it was a bit over the top. I loved it too but I wanted to name her after both our mums. Then I just woke up one morning and thought, I know! We’ll just put them together!. If people don’t like it, that’s up to them.

Now please, come on! This poor child now has to grow up with the first name of Princess… I’ll give Peter credit for his merging of their mothers names to get Tiaamii – that has significance to the family and a special place, like Shannon’s middle name is Azhria (for obvious reasons) but Princess????

I guess we should be thankful for small mercies, she was going to call her Tinkerbell, but apparently there are too many dogs with the name………….. has no one mentioned there are about a million animals out there with the name princess? And let’s not mention the other choice of Bunny that was waiting in the wings…….

I suppose she could always grow up to marry Prince (Michael Jackson’s son) and they could be the “new royalty” when Prince (the artist who was symbol for a while) King (who I believe is still on vh1) and Queen (now missing Freddie Mercury) are all dead and buried!

Filed Under: Celebrity Juice, In The News | Tagged: Tagged With: , ,

Tracing My Great Uncle

Posted by on July 23, 2007 Leave a Comment

My grandfather’s eldest brother Ron died during . Rumour has it his mother woke up on the night he died with a of his death – and told her husband that Ron had drowned at sea; a while later they received confirmation of it.

Anyway, none of his brothers knew any of the details of what happened to Ron – other than being lost at sea, so during my research I decided to make an effort to discover what happened to him.

Thanks to the phenomenal members at the Family Tree forums we’ve managed to track down Ron, the ship he was on and what actually happened.

The ship he was on was a Catapult Armed Merchantman, with 1 on board, called SS Empire Lawrence. She served in several before her final, PQ16. Older readers will know that means the Arctic… LINK tells us that her final convoy set sail from on 21st May 1942, bound for Murmansk, Russia. Her cargo on this voyage was explosives and ammunition. On the 25th May 1942, she launched the Hurricane and A J Hay attacked a formation of attacking the convoy. He was himself shot down in that attack. During the attack, SS Empire Lawrence was hit by a stick of bombs from the attacking Ju 88’s, and blew up immediately, with an enormous explosion. The ditched pilot was one of only a handful of survivors of the loss.

There is a first hand account of the event from the captain who picked up P O Hay, at LINK, as well as another at LINK . One of my favourite sites to search is LINK and that turns up some verbatim accounts of PQ16 as well.

From LINK ( go to 218.pdf)

The steamship Empire Lawrence was bombed and sunk by German aircraft on May 27th, 1942, off the North Cape on a voyage from Reykjavik to Murmansk. The captain, 11 crew and three gunners were lost.

Ronald Henry Swift is commemorated on panel 43 of the memorial in London, LINK which commemorates men and women of the and who died in both World Wars and who have no known grave.

My aunt went to Tower Hill a couple of weeks ago and located the panel to take photos.

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Clearing My Head

Posted by on July 18, 2007 Leave a Comment

My are through the roof at the moment. It’s not that there’s anything major going on in my life that’s unusually stressful, but that this is really taking a toll on me. With the other three, I’d have days where I could be irritable, but this one… anything sets me off. I can feel the rise every time the kids bicker.

I guess isn’t helping. I’m at the stage now where it’s uncomfortable to lie down – on my back, baby kicks; on my side, seriously uncomfortable. Baby is more active at night so while I can sit down during the day (ha ha, like that’s possible for more than a couple of minutes) I can’t rest properly at night and so am up and down all night long. The girls generally wake up from 6.30 which is when I’m finally starting to settle, so I’m not getting time to just relax.

Today, just to finally top it off, Erin managed to get hold of a and has chopped a chunk out of her fringe (bangs for those of you in America or wherever).

Filed Under: Everyday Life | Tagged: Tagged With: , , ,